revenge has no end

Last night as I drove home from Logan I tuned into someone on the radio talking about forgiveness. She said that due to something they had discussed earlier she had felt compelled to ask forgiveness from two really good friends she had lost some time ago due to something she had done to offend them. This got me thinking about grudges today, and the way they create a disgusting kind a restraint against you. We let them literaly run our lives and all for what? We think about letting go, but our pride overrides and we decide that they are the ones who need to apologize, and that it's their problem not ours. Carrying this kind of anger in your heart doesn't do anything, you'll never forget it, or get over it, because it is not resolved. You are literally limited to what you can do and where you can go all because you're scared of running into them. It works either way, whether it's avoiding asking forgiveness, forgiving, or a combination of the two.


Well today I took care of a grudge that has been weighing me down for four years. Four LONG years. I swollowed my bloody pride, apologized, and asked for forgiveness. I was overwelmed by how relieved I felt. She responded in the same way, and it's all behind me. It literally took ten minutes to resolve these feelings I had been carrying around for years. How ridiculous is that?

So why does it take so much of our energy and so long for us to summon the guts to do this? Is it because of all the inbetween information we receive from people that really know nothing about the situation? Is it because of our foolish pride? or it because in general we are lazy people and it seems like the easiest way out?

I've decided that most people (well girls anyways) have similar situations to this. So I hope if you read this you make a resolve to call up your friend, or email, or whatever it is you do and get that weight off your chest. Because sometimes we don't realize our shortness of breath until we're allowed a deep one.

High Five

10 fingers come together. Someone got something right, someone nailed it right on the head, someone actually took something from what they learned. We are strange. With the slap of a hand you've earned some kind acceptance or appreciation. It's an unspoken acknowledgement of success no matter how limp or awkward it may go down.

So make someones day today and give 'em five.


and incase you need instuction to prevent failure...

"You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie."

"You don't want to be in love, you wanna be in love in a movie." -Sleepless in Seattle

This is one of my all time favorite quotes, because it's so true. We want the perfect, clean edged, blissful love that we see portrayed in the movies. Not the real thing. Real love is messy, it's hard, and complicated, a beautiful disaster. We think that if it's "meant to be" or if it's "true love" that everything will come together perfectly, no road blocks, no speed bumps, just a smooth ride. When in fact, real love has construction all over the place, because it's two roads come together. On the other hand there are those who will take any bit of lust, chalk it up and call it love. Hence, "love at first sight." All these notions are brought on by watching the romantic comedies Hollywood shoves down our throats. Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for a good love story, but as I sat and watched one tonight I noticed how it transformed my thinking. All of a sudden I was determined that I should happen to meet an above average looking guy who had above average goals who would fall in love with me despite my lack of above averageness, and our lives would pan out like a fairy tale. And this is the only way I'd really be happy. Grant it I was watching Cinderella, but still, things don't always work out. There's usually loads of heart ache and rejection before you ever find someone who can actually sing along with your tune, and even after that "it's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along" that maroon 5 knows what their talking about.

Anyways this subject has been covered a millions times, but it's been heavy on my mind cause it really bugs me. I saw 500 days of Summer a couple weeks ago and I completely fell in love with the movie. It managed to be realistic without leaving me completely depressed. I strongly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it, and a second time for those who have. Because that's life, getting screwed over and broken apart and then having to pick yourself up, put yourself back together, and try to find some good in all of it.

My wish is not that I live a fairy tale, but that I love the reality that is my life. Messy can be fun anyways, like food fights. Very messy, but also very fun.

R.I.P. Gillyweed

Two weeks ago today, my beloved Betta fish (Gillyweed) died. I had kinda been expecting it because he'd been kinda depressed lately. He wouldn't come to the top of the bowl when I tried to feed him, and usually when I'd talk to him he'd get all excited and flap his fins back and forth, but not anymore. He just sat there.

Anyways his passing on got me thinking, and I decided that Betta fish are a prime example and living proof that people need people (or in this case fish need fish). Betta fish are known for their aggression. They can't be around other fish without attacking, including their own mate and spawn. They also don't live very long lives.

As living organisms we need that interaction. We need attention, and adoration, and contention, we need people. As much as we try to be independent, so we can say we did it by our selves, or so we can avoid getting hurt, or for whatever reason, life can't be lived alone. So next time you're annoyed, aggravated, or just plain sick of one of your people remember, people are better then no people.

....as for Gillyweed, no fish will ever be as amazing as that little red guy. I will never forget you G weed.

The Inbetween Stage

I've reached that weird awkward inbetween stage, that everyone has to go through a some point. Inbetween teenager and adult, inbetween being the child and the parent, inbetween dependent and independent, but mostly inbetween here and there. When going home became my vacation, I realized I didn't really belong anywhere. I don't have anything here that I couldn't find somewhere else. I don't mean this to sound bad, or like i'm lost and confused. I'm just simply inbetween.

This is what I have to say reguarding being inbetween. There is a perminate sense of longing to find out exactly where it is you are going. It's like you've boarded the train, but you don't know where you are headed. So, not only do you not know when you will be getting off, you also don't know where it is you'll get off at. Once you've realized this, you'll also realize there is only so much you can do to plan and prepare for you're future. What if you packed sun dresses and a swimsuit and end up in northern Russia? On the other hand if you try to pack one of everything you'll still end up pretty empty handed, because everyone knows a girl can't wear the same outfit everyday. Still, if you spend all your time worrying, you'll forget to enjoy the ride, and what a pity that would be because the senerey is simply amazing.

So, the conclusion I have found to this predicament is to pack my most favorite pieces, including a pair of very lucky underwear, and pray for the best.
...and that's all anyone can do really, because there is just no way of telling what's ahead.

Theory on the Pursuit of Love

I have a theory, as everyone does. It's reguarding the pursuit of love. I've decided that there are three types of pursuers. The first kind are the cheap and volgur seekers. They aren't actually in the pursuit of love, but just a night of lust that will drown out the loneliness, also keeping them far enough from getting too "involved." We will call the group of people the sheep. The next group i'd like to refer to as lions, because they are the initiators. They are those looking for the whole package; a great relationship with someone who makes their clock tic. They get out there and look, they ask, they initiate. The third group is the elephants, my own kind. Those of us who want just what the lions want. Someone to hold on to, to call, to kiss, to laugh with, only problem is we are way to reserved to initiate the relationship. We wait for someone to notice us. Now here is where it really gets complicated. The lions go for the sheep, and always wind up disappointed, while the elephants stand quitely in the corner listening to the lions sob story hoping in anticipation that when they are done they will look up, they will realize that we've been here all along, just waiting, but they don't. They let the elephants dry their tears and then they turn around and go back to find another sheep.

Well i'm here to say in behalf of the elephants, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I don't care if your heart was broken, welcome to the freaking club. If you want a real relationship, wake up and smell the billions of flowers that surround you. They may not be roses, but who wants a rose anyway? They are thorny and unoriginal. So change your tactics, change your stratigies, or change whatever the freaker you need to change so that next time you go to ask a girl out, you'll think again and ask out someone who is worth it.

And thats all there is too it.

New and Improved

The name of this blog is very Ironic, because I am a firm believer that the phrase "New and Improved" is completely controdictory, however I felt it appropriate because this is the first post of what shall be followed by a regular updated blog.








In Celebration of this new and profound improvement, I felt it only appropriate that I write about the person who inspired me to become a legit blogger, my roommate Laurel Rasmussen.
Laurel is the bomb, and I wanted to publically (although i'm not sure how public this is considering probably not that many people will read this) thank her for all that she is done for me. Lately she's been kind of questioning her decision to move to Logan, however I don't. I know exactly why she was supposed to move here. It was for me. And whether or not there is another reason it just really doesn't matter because she has made all the difference in my life, and that is a big deal. You see, I moved down here on a wim, completely last minute, just acting on my gut. I didn't necessarily have any friends down here, just people I knew from high school, and I signed myself up to live in an apartment where I knew approximately zero of the other girls. Well good news someone was watching out for me and knew just what I needed. Laurel has been the best roommate anyone could ask for. I clicked with her almost immediatley, and she has been there for me 100% through what has been some of the hardest times of my life. She's the definition of a true friend, and I absolutely love here.

So snaps for Laurel and the new blog.

Keep is Classy....