Secrets

Secrets. Everyone has them... or at least one. One that would change everything. Everything that you thought you knew about them.

Some people vomit their secrets like rotten food they've been holding down for years. One quick greeting and all of a sudden you are their best friend and they confide their every regret, mistake, and ignorant thought in you. I'm not saying that it's bad. Really I suppose they are just the courageous ones.

Others of us, hold in our secrets. We keep them bubble wrapped, boxed, and taped up in the confines of our heart.  We don't think about them, we definitely don't speak about them, but every night when the world is safe asleep they come out to haunt our dreams.

I found out someones secret last night. It was a dark, and personal, and unexpected. Honestly, it wasn't mine to know. And actually, they don't even know that I know. But I felt discouraged by life. I felt angry that such a secret existed. I mean I lived among it. Right beside it for months. How did I not know?

Secrets are deceptive like that. Invisible, and seductive.
They can eat us alive... if we let them.

Missing You

"Sometimes I get the urge to talk to you, and then I remember that you are a different person now, and it's sad because I miss you a lot."

I read this on pinterest today.  Who knew pinterest could see into my soul?

I guess maybe everyone has experience with this is someway or another. Losing someone you love to change.

He was my best friend. Two years of letters and waiting for him to come home and make everything better. And then he finally came home, only he didn't. That's the worst part. At least when he was gone I had his letters. Because now he's not there, but he's not here either, and there are no more letters.

It's fine really, things worked out for the best. That's what I'd like to believe. But some nights all I want is to talk to my best friend. I want him to come home, or wake up from this trans that makes him a stranger. But he never does. After a while the urge always fades, because it is silly to miss someone that doesn't really exist.

The Uses of Sorrow

Planning is Everything

I don't consider myself a planner. I procrastinate, and wing just about everything that I do. It's a terrible habit.  Impossible to break. One the other hand, it seems I have to make these plans, or set out these ideas at least, of how I think my life is going to be. I honestly try not to do it, because it is utterly pointless. It never, and I mean never, turns out how I plan. You think I would have learned my lesson.
As it turns out, I haven't.

I seriously lay in bed at night, trying to arrange it all out, making list in my head. It actually keeps me up. I'm going to marry this person, or get this job, or move to this certain place. But next thing I know that place, that job, that person... is out of the picture. It almost seems like anything I can scrounge up to build off of, disappears just as I work it all out.

Dwight Eisenhower once said, "Plans are nothing, planning is everything."

I pray that holds truth.

My ideas about love are forever changing.

V.I.M. - Vomit In Mouth

Being in the business of creating is scary. You have to put a part of yourself out there. Out there for criticism, mockery, and judgement. It is a part of you, how can you not take it personal. There is no right answer. No amount of studying will make you any better. Either you have it, or you don't. It is a risk, a chance, and a hell of a gamble. Every class, every assignment, every design. Find me another major that brings on that kind of a challenge.

Vim. That was the name I came up with for our "All Natural Energy Drink." Honestly I was quite fond of it.  I pinned it up on the board with all the others, and my teacher actually didn't hate it... until out of the corner I hear. "haha V.I.M. like vomit in mouth? ...that is what me and my friends used to say when we were younger."
Everyone laughed at the irony. ..except me.

Really?

"Boo, you whore."