This Halloween

My design teacher was talking about Amsterdam and how drugs are legal and you can walk into a cafe and ask for a shot of ecstasy in your coffee or a muffin laced with marijuana, and in response I said "sweet" like out loud rather enthusiastically. Why? I do not know. But I am fairly certain my class thinks I am a huge drugster now. 

A lady parked next to me at the grocery store was sitting in her car with a bunch of dogs singing them lullabies. It was so creepy I almost thought it was a halloween prank, but it wasn't. 

I went to the bank and tried to have a serious conversation with my realtor who was dressed as the joker. 

I did not dress up or go out this halloween, for what I am pretty sure is the first time in my whole life. It was honestly rather depressing. Growing up is highly overrated.  

Like the real kind.

I went out with an old friend tonight, on a date, but just as friends.
After we left the restaurant he ran back in to get a "validation" but I saw him give his number to a girl.
So when he came out I kind of made fun of him cause he was basically running because he was so embarrassed and I asked him what he said .. . he said that he told her he was on a date and he just had to sneak back in to give her his number. So all of a sudden I was super offended. Not because he gave his number to another girl but because he made me look like a fool. So I told him that was messed up. He told me that it made him look more cool. Then I was really pissed. I just felt used and embarrassed really. I mean mostly because I thought friends were supposed to treat you better, actually care. I mean if he had just been like look I want to go give my number to this girl over there I wouldn't have given a rats ass. But instead he was the exact same guy he was in high school. I expected more. Maybe I just thought he was a better person than he was. I just keep expecting time to change people. Make them better, but it doesn't.

Honestly I feel this way about everyone lately. Like everyone forgot how to care. I just want to be treated like a human being. I just want someone to look at me and not through me, and be genuine instead of fake, and I want them to sincerely want good things for me because I sincerely want good things for them. I want them to stand up for me and be there for me and care about how they make me feel. Honestly I just want a friend. Like the real kind.    

Honestly... I just want Zac.

Secrets

Secrets. Everyone has them... or at least one. One that would change everything. Everything that you thought you knew about them.

Some people vomit their secrets like rotten food they've been holding down for years. One quick greeting and all of a sudden you are their best friend and they confide their every regret, mistake, and ignorant thought in you. I'm not saying that it's bad. Really I suppose they are just the courageous ones.

Others of us, hold in our secrets. We keep them bubble wrapped, boxed, and taped up in the confines of our heart.  We don't think about them, we definitely don't speak about them, but every night when the world is safe asleep they come out to haunt our dreams.

I found out someones secret last night. It was a dark, and personal, and unexpected. Honestly, it wasn't mine to know. And actually, they don't even know that I know. But I felt discouraged by life. I felt angry that such a secret existed. I mean I lived among it. Right beside it for months. How did I not know?

Secrets are deceptive like that. Invisible, and seductive.
They can eat us alive... if we let them.