Things I miss:

My grandma. Deeply, and daily.
Living with Elicia.
Falling asleep in love.
Warm weather.
Painting.
My old self.
Brinley's cat Nacho, although I don't miss him tearing up the couches.
Hanging out with my older sister before she had kids and got too tired.
Belize, and the people.
My red Jeep Cherokee.
Kesley.
Cache.
Less responsibility.
Watching swamp people until 2 in the morning. Boo Comcast.
Boating, Lake Powell, family vacations in the summer.
Good goodnight kisses.
Good dreams.
The sun, damn winter.

Thanks

I would just like to say thanks.
Party because it is thanksgiving and it only seems appropriate, and partly because things have been kind of rough lately and that always reminds me of how many things are going well in my life.

To the lovely people of the 46th ward, half of whom I'm sure don't know I exist, you inspire me to be a better person every single sunday, thanks.

To all the boys who broke my heart this year, for without them I would not have written some of the best music I have ever written, thanks.

To my boss who brought me kneaders for breakfast the other day, totally unexpected, thanks.

To the ridiculously annoying dog next door, without whom I probably would have slept in a lot more and got less accomplished... if that is even possible. Thanks.

To my friend Michael Wright, who constantly teaches me about silent courage. Thanks.

To my design teacher, who terrorizes me half the time, but who drove me to embark on a Switzerland adventure, thanks.

To Daxton, my 5 year old neighbor, for making me laugh, thanks.

To the Mailman for bringing me important stuff, thanks.

To my mom, there are not enough words to even express... thanks.

To Project Free TV for supplying me with free TV when I couldn't pay the cable bill, thanks.

To Julianne Brough for reminding me how simply wonderful it is when you discover a new band that you love... and for inspiring me to follow my dreams. Thanks.

And to all the people who forgive my faults, and love me anyway. Thanks.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I hope you did too.

This Halloween

My design teacher was talking about Amsterdam and how drugs are legal and you can walk into a cafe and ask for a shot of ecstasy in your coffee or a muffin laced with marijuana, and in response I said "sweet" like out loud rather enthusiastically. Why? I do not know. But I am fairly certain my class thinks I am a huge drugster now. 

A lady parked next to me at the grocery store was sitting in her car with a bunch of dogs singing them lullabies. It was so creepy I almost thought it was a halloween prank, but it wasn't. 

I went to the bank and tried to have a serious conversation with my realtor who was dressed as the joker. 

I did not dress up or go out this halloween, for what I am pretty sure is the first time in my whole life. It was honestly rather depressing. Growing up is highly overrated.  

Like the real kind.

I went out with an old friend tonight, on a date, but just as friends.
After we left the restaurant he ran back in to get a "validation" but I saw him give his number to a girl.
So when he came out I kind of made fun of him cause he was basically running because he was so embarrassed and I asked him what he said .. . he said that he told her he was on a date and he just had to sneak back in to give her his number. So all of a sudden I was super offended. Not because he gave his number to another girl but because he made me look like a fool. So I told him that was messed up. He told me that it made him look more cool. Then I was really pissed. I just felt used and embarrassed really. I mean mostly because I thought friends were supposed to treat you better, actually care. I mean if he had just been like look I want to go give my number to this girl over there I wouldn't have given a rats ass. But instead he was the exact same guy he was in high school. I expected more. Maybe I just thought he was a better person than he was. I just keep expecting time to change people. Make them better, but it doesn't.

Honestly I feel this way about everyone lately. Like everyone forgot how to care. I just want to be treated like a human being. I just want someone to look at me and not through me, and be genuine instead of fake, and I want them to sincerely want good things for me because I sincerely want good things for them. I want them to stand up for me and be there for me and care about how they make me feel. Honestly I just want a friend. Like the real kind.    

Honestly... I just want Zac.

Secrets

Secrets. Everyone has them... or at least one. One that would change everything. Everything that you thought you knew about them.

Some people vomit their secrets like rotten food they've been holding down for years. One quick greeting and all of a sudden you are their best friend and they confide their every regret, mistake, and ignorant thought in you. I'm not saying that it's bad. Really I suppose they are just the courageous ones.

Others of us, hold in our secrets. We keep them bubble wrapped, boxed, and taped up in the confines of our heart.  We don't think about them, we definitely don't speak about them, but every night when the world is safe asleep they come out to haunt our dreams.

I found out someones secret last night. It was a dark, and personal, and unexpected. Honestly, it wasn't mine to know. And actually, they don't even know that I know. But I felt discouraged by life. I felt angry that such a secret existed. I mean I lived among it. Right beside it for months. How did I not know?

Secrets are deceptive like that. Invisible, and seductive.
They can eat us alive... if we let them.

Missing You

"Sometimes I get the urge to talk to you, and then I remember that you are a different person now, and it's sad because I miss you a lot."

I read this on pinterest today.  Who knew pinterest could see into my soul?

I guess maybe everyone has experience with this is someway or another. Losing someone you love to change.

He was my best friend. Two years of letters and waiting for him to come home and make everything better. And then he finally came home, only he didn't. That's the worst part. At least when he was gone I had his letters. Because now he's not there, but he's not here either, and there are no more letters.

It's fine really, things worked out for the best. That's what I'd like to believe. But some nights all I want is to talk to my best friend. I want him to come home, or wake up from this trans that makes him a stranger. But he never does. After a while the urge always fades, because it is silly to miss someone that doesn't really exist.

The Uses of Sorrow

Planning is Everything

I don't consider myself a planner. I procrastinate, and wing just about everything that I do. It's a terrible habit.  Impossible to break. One the other hand, it seems I have to make these plans, or set out these ideas at least, of how I think my life is going to be. I honestly try not to do it, because it is utterly pointless. It never, and I mean never, turns out how I plan. You think I would have learned my lesson.
As it turns out, I haven't.

I seriously lay in bed at night, trying to arrange it all out, making list in my head. It actually keeps me up. I'm going to marry this person, or get this job, or move to this certain place. But next thing I know that place, that job, that person... is out of the picture. It almost seems like anything I can scrounge up to build off of, disappears just as I work it all out.

Dwight Eisenhower once said, "Plans are nothing, planning is everything."

I pray that holds truth.

My ideas about love are forever changing.

V.I.M. - Vomit In Mouth

Being in the business of creating is scary. You have to put a part of yourself out there. Out there for criticism, mockery, and judgement. It is a part of you, how can you not take it personal. There is no right answer. No amount of studying will make you any better. Either you have it, or you don't. It is a risk, a chance, and a hell of a gamble. Every class, every assignment, every design. Find me another major that brings on that kind of a challenge.

Vim. That was the name I came up with for our "All Natural Energy Drink." Honestly I was quite fond of it.  I pinned it up on the board with all the others, and my teacher actually didn't hate it... until out of the corner I hear. "haha V.I.M. like vomit in mouth? ...that is what me and my friends used to say when we were younger."
Everyone laughed at the irony. ..except me.

Really?

"Boo, you whore."

I would say hello, but I am an introvert.

I made a resolution to be more outgoing. Which is almost physically painful for me. I don't really consider myself shy, just indifferent. Regardless, lately I feel like it has been holding me back. So that is why I am stepping it up.

How is it going?

1.) I talked to a couple of girls in my painting class... and by talk I mean I just made a couple snide comments about the class. 

2.) I started up a conversation with a fella in my Photo class, and he turned out to be really cool. 

3.) I also sat RIGHT NEXT to somebody in my Natural Disasters class, and he striked up a conversation so I guess that one was a joint effort.  

These are my ginormous strides. 

but I guess I need to consider the step I took backwards when I ignored that one annoying kid who wouldn't stop sharing his every thought with me. They aren't all gems buddy, you shoulda quit while you were ahead. 

& that is why I am an introvert. 

Walk away, or try harder?

"One of the hardest parts of life is deciding whether to walk away, or try harder?"

Brain says walk away. Heart says try harder.

Is it always like that?

I want things with him to work out so badly I can feel it all slipping out of my control. Fight or flight? I guess it is just a matter of determining what I am willing to risk. 

Should I dive head first into dark waters?

Brain says walk away. Heart says... go for it. 

Day 10 - You want me to what?

Tired. 

So, so tired.

Another sunday at church as a mother of five. We were late, of course. The first half of sacrament meeting passed without any major disaster. Besides my constant shushing, I actually thought everyone was behaving pretty ok, considering. I could no longer fight the urge to use the bathroom so I tell Preston to keep an eye on everyone for a couple a minutes. I'm in the bathroom, about thirty seconds later I hear Preston yelling through the door, calling my name. Annie runs in frantic looking through the crack in the stall yelling something about blood. It had been 30 seconds. I'm not even exaggerating. 

I hurry out to find Annie with a mouth full of blood. "Stupid Owens head hit my mouth! Don't pull it out! Don't pull it out!" I try to calm her down so I can assess the situation. Sure enough, she conked it pretty hard, and her tooth was about ripe to fall right out. I grab some paper towels for her to soak up the blood, and she seems satisfied with the the antidote and heads back into the meeting. 

"Preston! I was gone for 30 seconds... 30." I whisper exhasperated. The friendly family sitting in front of us turned back and gave me a look of empathy. Annie practically yells out, " I don't like you Owen, you and your stupid head, it's so stupid!" People try not to look back but I can see everyone around us holding back laughs. Luckily we made it through the rest of the meeting, without too many other tragedies.

The next two hours are mine. The only ones I get all week. Sunday school passes quite uneventful, and them comes relief society. They introduce me as a guest visiting, then addressing me the president asks, "Do you have your dog? A family in the ward found one in their backyard..." Well this is awkward "Uhh, I think so" I say pretty hesitant. Due to the fact it is nearly impossible to keep track of that dog, he magically seems to escape on a daily basis to roam the neighborhood.  I try to think back to this morning, in the blur of things... did I ever see Charlie? Some lady speaks up from the other side of the room "Oh, it's the Meldroms." I sigh with relief and give it no more thought. 

We get home, have lunch, lounge, have dinner, and at about 6:00 a lady comes to the door to drop off Charlie. Apparently it was our dog after all. HOW EMBARRASSING! He is all muddy and cold so Annie is persistent that we give him a bath... only I don't do dog baths. I have had a dog all growing up and I have given a bath once. I love dogs. I loath dog baths. So, I tell Preston to help them give him a bath, but of course that is the last thing he wants to do. So I say "dishes or dog..?" He chooses dog which I am more than happy about. They fill up the bath, and drag in the dog, and for the next few minutes I hear nothing but absolute chaos. Five kids, and one dog that is terrified of water. They try just about everything, besides the obvious of lifting him into the bath. Preston comes out frantic, "We can't do it! You have to!" 

I brace myself and carefully squeeze through the door. It's just me and him. They have placed a bunch of treats on the opposite side of the tub in hopes his love for food with triumph his fear of water. He's propped him tummy up on the edge and is attempting to reach across with his tongue. So distraught he starts to howl. Next thing I know his determination to get the treats has led him to believe there is some way of walking along the far edge to get to the other side, not even a small dog could pull that off and Charlie is no small dog. I burst out laughing, seriously the funniest thing I've seen in weeks. Eventually he gives up and goes back to balancing his tummy on the edge and reaching across. He gets far enough that I just give him a little push and in he goes. I hold him down and tell Preston to scrub him, preston starts squirting conditioner all over his back. "What are you doing? Don't you have like dog shampoo?" I ask. 

Looking confused he retorts, "I don't know! We wash him like once a year." ... of course that once has to be during the 11 day period I happen to be here. "Well at least use the shampoo!" I call in Annie and Simon to take my place and slip out.  I sit down to collect myself and next thing I know the door opens and the dog comes running out, right into the parents room, right onto the bed. Not only does he lay down on the bed, he rolls around ..and around. Awesome, more laundry. 

I hate giving the dog a bath. That much has remained unchanged.  

Day 4 - Sleepwalkers 101

Last night I woke up from the sound of crying, which is a nightly ritual in Nannyville.
I got out of bed to find the culprit. ..she was pacing in the hallway, just sobbing.
She was crying to hard she could barely talk, I figured she probably missed her mom, or had to go to the bathroom. When I asked her, she caught her breath and replied in complete gibberish. 
I asked her again, thinking I heard wrong, but I hadn't. She was definitely asleep.
I tried to wake her up, it was impossible.
She started running through the house turning all the lights on. When I tried to calm her down, she told me she had to go to the bathroom. So I told her to go, she walked to the kitchen, so I redirected her to the bathroom.
She stood in front of the toilet for a minute, looked up at me and said, "Now what?"
I started laughing and she just started crying again, "NOW WHAT?"
I told her what to do step by step, after each she would say, "Now what?"
After a few more minutes of her sobbing and yelling, I took her back to bed. She fell asleep in like 2 seconds. I guess I should have tried that first.

I don't even remember what it is like to sleep through the night uninterrupted. 

Spring Break (Day 2 of 11)

Usually this post would consist of awesome road trip pictures and great memorable stories. Not this year. This year I have sold my soul to motherhood for 11 days. That's right, I am spending my spring break as a nanny. Five kids under the age of 12. What was I thinking?

 "I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The 13 year olds in this town have a complete monopoly." ... fortunately I have something they don't, a drivers license.

But really, when I realized that I would make the same amount of money in a week that is usually takes me like 2 months to earn, well you just really can't really argue with those kind of numbers. Not to mention my mom is certain I will learn a few valuable lessons... I'm not so optimistic.

All I have thus far observed is that time is a trickster, and one minute it's rushing by so fast you can barely catch your breath, and the next it's as slow as rush hour traffic on I-15.
Eleven days stuck in rush hour traffic.

The Future

"The future used to be such an abstract idea. A dream was enough, you know? And now the future has the nerve to show up, and it's expecting us to do something, and it's not interested in giving a lending hand."  

          - Curt Hummel

I know, right?
Who knew the future would turn out to be such a b!tch.
Like just when you think you have a handle on things, and you start to think everything is going to be okay... she throws you a fast one and completely knocks you off your game. The worst part is all the optimists singing about how life is so great because it's full of surprises. Well let me tell you something, when you are first learning how to juggle knives... surprises? They aren't so great.

So maybe I am being a little dramatic, and maybe things do always have a way of working out. That doesn't stop me from wanting to punch mother future in the boob every now and again.

Living at home...

I feel like the title of this post should be followed by a "dun dun dun," you know the way they do it in the movies.
I mean it's not like home is bad, actually after 3 months in a third world country home is good. But, after living on your own for two years and having the kind of independence and freedom one only finds from being away from home...going back seems kind of like the end of the world.
Failure? I don't think so, at least I hope not. I like to think of it as a strategy to get ahead in the game.

One of the things I was looking forward to most when I came home was no bugs in my bed. Well low and behold on night number one what should I find crawling up my arm? A centipede. That is definitely worse than the aunts that set up camp in my sheets in Belize.

Also, having your own room is overrated. I miss falling asleep and waking up with friends surrounding me. My room feels all empty and lonely.

Someone told me I should focus on my music while I have the time. It sounds great, the problem is I always have such great intentions that turn in to what might have beens, maybe this time will be different...

Goodbyes

Change is here, and I hear the best way to handle it is to run at it fast. I don't want to though. I want to race in the other direction and hide in the crevices of everything I know. It's not that I'm not excited about what's ahead, cause I am. I'm just in love with what is now. Life.is.good. However, since the van is out front and movers and crashing down the door it seems it is time for goodbyes.

Dear Lieshy05,
You are the best roommate in the world and I love you to death. I don't think I've ever met someone as kind and caring as you are. In the past 2 years you have become one of my closest friends, and I feel as though I've known you my whole life. You are always so encouraging and fun-loving (I know that word is ridiculously cheesy but I don't care it's PERFECT for you). You are the best at making me laugh, and I will forever miss you.

Dear MegB,
Man am I ever glad that you had a terribly stinky roommate and were forced to live at my house for half the semester. You are hilarious, witty, and brilliant. Please never change. You INSPIRE me!

Dear my Michael,
What a gentleman you are. I can sincerely say that you have made me a better person. You were a fabulous boyfriend and I will never forget anything about everything. You are such a beautiful person, I'm just in awe. Don't ever let the world bring down your spirits, because they sore so above and beyond any that I've ever seen.
Thank you thank you thank you.

...and last but not least

Dear Logan,
This is my official goodbye. I don't know what my future holds, or whether we will meet again, but may I take the time to say I am mad about you.
I don't know if it is the way everything slows down and speeds up at the exact same time, or the way you make me feel secluded from the rest of the world, nestled safely within the arms of your valley. Whatever it may be, I am convinced there is no place else in the world quite like this.
You've enticed me, thrilled me, scolded me, taught me, entertained me, made me, and It's been enchanting. I remember when we first met. You deceived me with your sunshine and 90 degree weather, I thought I'd found heaven. However despite your betrayal of gruesome winters and never ending snow storms, I just couldn't let you go. You just kept on winning me back with your promising days of sunshine, and beautiful Aggie spirit. Perhaps you will forget me, perhaps I am no different than the other thousands of 20 year olds that pass through looking for themselves, and their matches. But I will never forget you. You will linger in my mind, your mark will remain on my soul, for you have found permanent residence in my heart.


Thank you. Thank you for showing me what I am composed of and what I can withstand.



Love you all,
Emily Rachelle Kofford

Emily Kofford and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Dear the people of my life,

I would like to start by saying without all of you my life would be bliss.

To my 3D art teacher. Grading based on your opinion, not OK on so many levels. I worked hard. I liked my project. While it might not be perfect or Ideal, a C+? Seriously, did you see the project made out of marshmallows and tooth picks? Mine was a right site better then that! I don't know what you put into your little vegan breakfast shakes but I would check on that situation cause I think it's doing something to your head. If you ever dock me again for some small difference of opinion on how you would have done it, I will pull your nasty belly shirt over your head and suffocate you! ...oh and by the way calling your boyfriend your "partner" just makes you sound like a lesbian, or someone with serious relationship issues. Just saying.

To the people of my awesome Job. A.) Sometimes less is more. We don't need bows, greenery, glitter, rustic ornaments, and antique gadgets on everything. B.) If I find someone to work for me that day that probably means I don't want to come in. Even if it's for a few hours just to decorate trees. C.) if you need someone to cover your shift how about calling one of the other 5 people who don't already have a shift, instead of the one person who does...cause newsflash no one wants to work a double. D.) There is no need to redo everything everybody ever does. People have different ideas of what is cute, if you don't agree, get over it. E.)a little head's up would be greatly appreciated. Scheduling important mandatory events a week before they go down...not cool. and F.) last but definitely no least, paychecks on time would be nice.

Now, to all of the other miscellaneous people. I LET YOU STAY IN MY HOUSE AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How dare you Jaimen Brady. How dare you. and You who wears size 2 pants and is the skinniest girl in the house...did you just say you're fat? Well thank you, that just makes me AWESOME. and as for you, you are just a stupid boy.That's right BOY. Immature fool.


Thank you, and have a nice day.