Things I miss:

My grandma. Deeply, and daily.
Living with Elicia.
Falling asleep in love.
Warm weather.
Painting.
My old self.
Brinley's cat Nacho, although I don't miss him tearing up the couches.
Hanging out with my older sister before she had kids and got too tired.
Belize, and the people.
My red Jeep Cherokee.
Kesley.
Cache.
Less responsibility.
Watching swamp people until 2 in the morning. Boo Comcast.
Boating, Lake Powell, family vacations in the summer.
Good goodnight kisses.
Good dreams.
The sun, damn winter.

Thanks

I would just like to say thanks.
Party because it is thanksgiving and it only seems appropriate, and partly because things have been kind of rough lately and that always reminds me of how many things are going well in my life.

To the lovely people of the 46th ward, half of whom I'm sure don't know I exist, you inspire me to be a better person every single sunday, thanks.

To all the boys who broke my heart this year, for without them I would not have written some of the best music I have ever written, thanks.

To my boss who brought me kneaders for breakfast the other day, totally unexpected, thanks.

To the ridiculously annoying dog next door, without whom I probably would have slept in a lot more and got less accomplished... if that is even possible. Thanks.

To my friend Michael Wright, who constantly teaches me about silent courage. Thanks.

To my design teacher, who terrorizes me half the time, but who drove me to embark on a Switzerland adventure, thanks.

To Daxton, my 5 year old neighbor, for making me laugh, thanks.

To the Mailman for bringing me important stuff, thanks.

To my mom, there are not enough words to even express... thanks.

To Project Free TV for supplying me with free TV when I couldn't pay the cable bill, thanks.

To Julianne Brough for reminding me how simply wonderful it is when you discover a new band that you love... and for inspiring me to follow my dreams. Thanks.

And to all the people who forgive my faults, and love me anyway. Thanks.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I hope you did too.

This Halloween

My design teacher was talking about Amsterdam and how drugs are legal and you can walk into a cafe and ask for a shot of ecstasy in your coffee or a muffin laced with marijuana, and in response I said "sweet" like out loud rather enthusiastically. Why? I do not know. But I am fairly certain my class thinks I am a huge drugster now. 

A lady parked next to me at the grocery store was sitting in her car with a bunch of dogs singing them lullabies. It was so creepy I almost thought it was a halloween prank, but it wasn't. 

I went to the bank and tried to have a serious conversation with my realtor who was dressed as the joker. 

I did not dress up or go out this halloween, for what I am pretty sure is the first time in my whole life. It was honestly rather depressing. Growing up is highly overrated.  

Like the real kind.

I went out with an old friend tonight, on a date, but just as friends.
After we left the restaurant he ran back in to get a "validation" but I saw him give his number to a girl.
So when he came out I kind of made fun of him cause he was basically running because he was so embarrassed and I asked him what he said .. . he said that he told her he was on a date and he just had to sneak back in to give her his number. So all of a sudden I was super offended. Not because he gave his number to another girl but because he made me look like a fool. So I told him that was messed up. He told me that it made him look more cool. Then I was really pissed. I just felt used and embarrassed really. I mean mostly because I thought friends were supposed to treat you better, actually care. I mean if he had just been like look I want to go give my number to this girl over there I wouldn't have given a rats ass. But instead he was the exact same guy he was in high school. I expected more. Maybe I just thought he was a better person than he was. I just keep expecting time to change people. Make them better, but it doesn't.

Honestly I feel this way about everyone lately. Like everyone forgot how to care. I just want to be treated like a human being. I just want someone to look at me and not through me, and be genuine instead of fake, and I want them to sincerely want good things for me because I sincerely want good things for them. I want them to stand up for me and be there for me and care about how they make me feel. Honestly I just want a friend. Like the real kind.    

Honestly... I just want Zac.

Secrets

Secrets. Everyone has them... or at least one. One that would change everything. Everything that you thought you knew about them.

Some people vomit their secrets like rotten food they've been holding down for years. One quick greeting and all of a sudden you are their best friend and they confide their every regret, mistake, and ignorant thought in you. I'm not saying that it's bad. Really I suppose they are just the courageous ones.

Others of us, hold in our secrets. We keep them bubble wrapped, boxed, and taped up in the confines of our heart.  We don't think about them, we definitely don't speak about them, but every night when the world is safe asleep they come out to haunt our dreams.

I found out someones secret last night. It was a dark, and personal, and unexpected. Honestly, it wasn't mine to know. And actually, they don't even know that I know. But I felt discouraged by life. I felt angry that such a secret existed. I mean I lived among it. Right beside it for months. How did I not know?

Secrets are deceptive like that. Invisible, and seductive.
They can eat us alive... if we let them.

Missing You

"Sometimes I get the urge to talk to you, and then I remember that you are a different person now, and it's sad because I miss you a lot."

I read this on pinterest today.  Who knew pinterest could see into my soul?

I guess maybe everyone has experience with this is someway or another. Losing someone you love to change.

He was my best friend. Two years of letters and waiting for him to come home and make everything better. And then he finally came home, only he didn't. That's the worst part. At least when he was gone I had his letters. Because now he's not there, but he's not here either, and there are no more letters.

It's fine really, things worked out for the best. That's what I'd like to believe. But some nights all I want is to talk to my best friend. I want him to come home, or wake up from this trans that makes him a stranger. But he never does. After a while the urge always fades, because it is silly to miss someone that doesn't really exist.